Where do we go now?

My therapist and I are on a break. Which means success, right!? I can manage my own thoughts and emotions. I’m healthy!  My parting words to therapist included, “I’ll see you after my next break up.”

I previously had major setbacks when I went on a sub-par date, compared myself to others, or felt like I had to defend my single adult lifestyle. I felt so in tune with those depressed feelings and low moods, it was easy to identify. Now that I don’t feel that frequent sadness or anxiety, what am I in tune with? Happiness? Stability? Calm and tranquility? Restlessness? Is this stability boring or exciting? I have questions. And that means…self exploration!

I’m looking for new ways outside of talk therapy to manage my stress and levels of outward craziness. I have my massage therapist lady, who told me I look like a cat person. I tried acupuncture, which I’m still on the fence about. I’ve visited friends in other places, and recognize that Colorado is a very beautiful place. The sun is so damn bright here. What’s next? Crystals? Reiki? Holistic nutrition? (I’ve googled all those, so reminder this is serious for me!)

To celebrate the anniversary of a friend’s LCSW, we went to a delightful breakfast followed with a vedic astrology reading to learn about our life cycles. Last time I did this, the mood reader told me I will have an “old soulmate,” then corrected herself to say “wise soulmate.” That made for some great jokes about the gray haired men in front of me in line at Chipotle. This time she told me that I can communicate and talk all day, but I don’t actually express myself. She told me I will find love, if I am open to it. Then emphasized, “if you are open to it.”

Er mah gawd. Doesn’t that sound like a threat?!?!

Do you ever get hit with the same message over and over again. And right when you think you’re doing better, you’re told you have confusing body language. Or you give mixed signals. Or all you do is make jokes. Or you’re the office bully (sob).

Last boyfriend made a point to tell me that I’m “too emotional.” That he only wanted to engage with happiness and joy, and anxious Becca or sad Becca could take that emotion and come back later. He taught me not to express my real, raw emotions that show my vulnerability. Not to be needy. He would stonewall me until I was finished. And so now, I don’t share those emotions. I control them, and I come back later. It’s hard to unlearn those things I believed was the worst thing about me.

I didn’t learn how to express myself in therapy. I learned to show up in my life and embrace the uncertainty. I learned to challenge my thoughts, to be aware of my behaviors. I learned to make changes to live my life differently. How do I learn to express myself? Whyyyy vulnerability, whyyyyy. How will I know when I’m expressing myself, when I thought I was doing it all along?

All these questions make me feel like Carrie Bradshaw.


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