Brave Enough

This is the blog post you’ve been waiting for. I saw Therapist last week. For those of you that have been paying attention, you know what that means.

The demise of another relationship was a familiar feeling. I told therapist these emotions- being sad, lonely, a pain in my heart felt like my ‘normal,’ whereas the past months were an anomaly. She had choice words in disagreement, but that’s why I pay her the money.

I told her I was afraid of back tracking in the progress we made together. She said I can’t back track. She said some blah blah blah about my beliefs and challenging negative patterns, which is now showing up in my actions. She said I was brave enough to stand up for myself. I knew I was making a choice that would be sucky, but I’d rather be with someone that will fight for me, will want to connect with me. Because I have always been one to fight for my relationships. I deserve more, and want more. While my logic mind is there, my eyes still felt the need to cry. No worries, I’m bouncing back!

I think I would make a good girlfriend. I try to show up with a positive attitude, I can be your biggest cheerleader and I think grad school taught me how to be a better listener. I like to do fun things and laugh. Compared to Last Bf, I showed up in this relationship with a healthier mind and better control of how I react to my emotions. I was definitely guarded in ways, but whatever.

When people ask me why I can’t seem to lasso a man, I no longer have an avoidant or sarcastic answer, (Cue The Way We Were movie quote). I struggled to feel close to recent dude, and while I cared about him I couldn’t make him care anymore. They say it’s not about me, and in fairness I will never know his full story. I send positive vibes he figures it out.

Sometimes my heart yearns for connection. And in a low period I reflected the last time I felt true passion and love was with Last Bf, years ago. That might be the saddest of thoughts. Like Val said, I have so much love I want to give another person. What if I run out of time in my life to give it?

I made a joke to a few friends that if they find my soulmate I’ll give them $100. Nancy unknowingly gave me a can of coke with the label ‘soulmate. ‘ Tell me the irony.

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30.5

Today I’m halfway through 30!

So far so good! It’s been better than expected.

When you’re thirty, the dentist tells you you’re not immune to cavities. Your mom won’t do your taxes anymore. You don’t get a plus one to a wedding and wonder if that’s your lifelong fate. Your pants don’t fit as well. You worry about cancer.

You also take 17 hour trips to Phoenix for a sequel show. You learn to spend your time in ways that make you happy. You’re boss respects your request for an impromptu mental health day. You quit your anti depressants. You buy your first phone fancy enough for a phone case.

Co-worker tells you you’re more confident.

My newest slogan is, “I’m 30.” Said with emphasis.

 

What else happens when you’re 30?!

16 hours in Phoenix

Val Chmerkovskiy:

I see the beautiful dance that Maks and Peta are creating together as partners on, and more importantly off, the dance floor. The addition of Shai to their dance is such a gift, for all of us. It has affected me in more ways than I expected.

I have many loves. My love for dance, a love for my family. A love for my writing, for my art, and my love for someone. Dance starts with feeling, sensitivity and imagination. What are the steps I have to learn or begin to take to create the perfect dance that I envision in my mind? What dance do I want to bring to life? Though I bring all my loves together in a expression that satisfies, what form does it take and what is the music that inspires me? We all have that question, I imagine.

And that’s where I’m at. Currently dancing with a question, inviting it all on the dance floor and hoping not to lose myself within. Cause I have so much love to give, and only so much time to give.

—–

Remain confidential… well, we’re ready to tell it. My entire life has been dedicated to dance. And it has always been there for me when I needed it most. The most complicated dance is one I do with myself. It is the one dance that I sometimes feel lost in. At times not knowing which part of me to let lead and which part to let follow. I admit, I can be a selfish partner. And the dance I’ve created up until now hasn’t been perfect. Dance has always been an escape for me. But am I actually trying to escape myself? That’s the question that scares me the most, cause I feel like I’ve opened doors I cannot close.