This is the blog post you’ve been waiting for. I saw Therapist last week. For those of you that have been paying attention, you know what that means.
The demise of another relationship was a familiar feeling. I told therapist these emotions- being sad, lonely, a pain in my heart felt like my ‘normal,’ whereas the past months were an anomaly. She had choice words in disagreement, but that’s why I pay her the money.
I told her I was afraid of back tracking in the progress we made together. She said I can’t back track. She said some blah blah blah about my beliefs and challenging negative patterns, which is now showing up in my actions. She said I was brave enough to stand up for myself. I knew I was making a choice that would be sucky, but I’d rather be with someone that will fight for me, will want to connect with me. Because I have always been one to fight for my relationships. I deserve more, and want more. While my logic mind is there, my eyes still felt the need to cry. No worries, I’m bouncing back!
I think I would make a good girlfriend. I try to show up with a positive attitude, I can be your biggest cheerleader and I think grad school taught me how to be a better listener. I like to do fun things and laugh. Compared to Last Bf, I showed up in this relationship with a healthier mind and better control of how I react to my emotions. I was definitely guarded in ways, but whatever.
When people ask me why I can’t seem to lasso a man, I no longer have an avoidant or sarcastic answer, (Cue The Way We Were movie quote). I struggled to feel close to recent dude, and while I cared about him I couldn’t make him care anymore. They say it’s not about me, and in fairness I will never know his full story. I send positive vibes he figures it out.
Sometimes my heart yearns for connection. And in a low period I reflected the last time I felt true passion and love was with Last Bf, years ago. That might be the saddest of thoughts. Like Val said, I have so much love I want to give another person. What if I run out of time in my life to give it?
I made a joke to a few friends that if they find my soulmate I’ll give them $100. Nancy unknowingly gave me a can of coke with the label ‘soulmate. ‘ Tell me the irony.